Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.