Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
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Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
This is my bus stop.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
me as a parent
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.