Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?