Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Hank is one in a melon.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.