Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

That’s a good costume, I hope.

plant them where lol

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.