Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open