Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

*updates tinder bio*

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

i spent way too long on this

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Inside you there are two wolves

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.