Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

why am I working on Labor Day

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?