Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Breaking news:
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”