Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”