Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.