me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
