Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

satan: not today, microsoft teams

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.