Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

is nasa ok

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar