Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Wednesday

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.