Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

😂😂

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!