Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.