Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”