Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”