Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

me logging onto twitter

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.