A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I am HOWLING at this
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?