Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

This will never not be funny 😭

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer