Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

dude it’s called proctologist

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Hmmmmmmm….

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.