Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Coffee for people with no kids

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

#dalle2

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

good news everyone

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.