Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?