Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”