Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Growing out my freckles.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!