Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!