Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

titanic

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.