Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Stop it! 😂

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Yup