Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them



“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”


I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair


I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.


[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS


Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.