Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
