Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Wise advice

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

i hope my email finds you on fire

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

(Electricians.)

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream