Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.