Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!