Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

same vibe as tangled headphones

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*