me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
No way!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.