Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

prepare for carbonated trouble

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.