Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force