Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.