me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40