Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door