Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

This makes total sense…

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Seems legit.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans