Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I’m not lazy

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.