Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

ㅤ

People buying plungers never look happy.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle