Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Guys, I found it.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.