me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.