Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed