me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You Might Also Like
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.