Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

My five year plan is a meteorite