Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

The news is so predictable nowadays

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*