ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.