Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…