Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?