Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hmm, not sure about this change
![]()
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
![]()
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
why isn’t he texting back
![]()
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze