Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.