Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here