Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
The opposite of Iceland is water water
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
