Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”