Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Danger is very dangerous

Extremely relatable.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”