Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

So inspired right now.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

*serious situation*

My brain:

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?