me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]