Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*