*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The Assassin.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Simple
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
