Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.