Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.