Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I put the I in Insufferable.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait