Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub